streetlight

2001-05-16T08:28:00.000-07:00

march.
march.

2001-05-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.
-Robert Frost [from Nina's..tnx]

2001-05-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

Nina has, and always had, the most beautiful laughter.
So genuine, so deep rooted.
It's hard to stay simple while developing such dimensions in thought...bestest:).

gambare IB buddies, we're almost there.

2001-05-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I mended a broken friendship. One of the most important friendships my demons have deliberately shoved under the dust, shackled.
Not until yesterday did I wipe off the thick layer of gray, and beneath the familiar smiles and laughs miraculously emerged...
mood: streaks of white + orange/ white + blue
peaceful.
jai yo daisetsuno tomodachi.

2001-05-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

I think it's pretty amazing how far we've come. We've made it through twelve years of school, and twelve years is a pretty damn long time. It's already hard enough to pull yourself out of bed at 6:15 every morning, not to mention the endless homework and tests and the emotional ups and downs caused by stress. Humans are so obsessed with testing. What's with that? The testing never stops. Not even now, when we've only got three weeks of high school. And after that, we march on to another place where we get tested again and again and again...
When it stops, will we lose direction, cuz life has never been without testing for us....?
we've been so terribly conditioned.

2001-05-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

aftermath.

2001-05-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

Finally bought YangNaiwen.
She has melted. She sounds so fragile, like she¡¦s chickened out.
Her shield against the world is no longer, and in this album she reveals the bare undercurrent of sorrow that once silently ran beneath all the anger, the frustration she banged out to muffle the hidden flow of current beneath. Reminds me of how I sometimes deal with things. In fear of my broken eyes, I resist vulnerability and turn sorrow into anger, before I can ever melt. [Anger is hurt in disguise.] There always comes a point, however, when the resistance army grows weary, and catching them off guard, the world strips them naked and exposes the silent current that was never meant to be heard. And that is where she's at. Her lyrics protray her as at the bottom of the emotional pit.
You can't blame her for her fragility though. What matters is if she finds that air of confidence once so distinct of her.
It's just her album of course, it may not reflect herself.
I don¡¦t really know what I¡¦m talking about.
Anyway, Track 4, is a terrible terrible offense to her voice. It¡¦s totally wasting her talent, like ¤@¦·ÂAªá´¡¦b¤ûÁT¤W.

2001-05-07T05:26:00.000-07:00

Being a floater is sometimes such a pain, because everyone you trust may not be the same people your friends do, and vice versa; there¡¦s no social clique structure to conveniently define mutual circles of trust of everyone in the group. Just because I trust my friends, I¡¦d have to trust all my friends¡¦ friends. That¡¦s pretty hard to cope with

2001-05-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

can you stand the rain.
-BoyzIIMen

2001-05-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

ohhhh myyyyyy gooooooodddnnnneeeeessss................
HA i forgot that I had a concert today...
ohhhh myyyy gooodddddnnnneeessssssss.................
aiyoweiya.
i'm fried!
lala oh well.

2001-05-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

daijyoubu desu.
gambarimasu.

2001-05-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

daijyoubu desu.

2001-05-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

Will I lose my dignity...Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare
I'm aware of what the rules are, but you know that i will run/you know that i will follow you
-Rent/Tori Amos

mending my shattered dream...
you can't keep me from the stars, you see.
You can't break me.
You just can't.

2001-05-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

We are the roses in the garden, beauty with thorns among our leaves. To pick a rose you ask your hands to bleed. What is the reason for having roses when your blood is shed carelessly? It must be for something more than vanity.
-10,000 Maniacs

2001-05-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

CDs to buy:
°§ô¤d´M
·¨¤D¤å

2001-04-30T05:51:00.000-07:00

I'll laugh at myself 10 years from now, that's for sure..
It's oh kay to write with confidence, in fact, it's best to feel confident, as long as you keep an open mind, and realize that you have yet so much room to grow, that you haven't even reached the midpoint of this rugged road yet...
I know how messed up my thoughts are right now, I know how immature I am...in fact, maybe another four months from now, I'll hide the first section of entries...by then they will seem absolutely silly.
So what I do here, I really don't know what I do it for. Oftentimes I feel like I'm making a fool out of myself...Perhaps I just don't want to grow up alone, and through the use of this journal blog wutever thing, I'll definitely find some company...
All these words I put here, of course, is not all of me either. Naturally, I censure what I put here. I don't have the guts to reveal the whole of myself...
ANYWAY. I don't feel like thinking further today.

2001-04-29T07:11:00.000-07:00

popcicle ship!
paradise

2001-04-29T07:08:00.000-07:00

AHHHHH GAHHH LET ME OUT oF THIS FREAKISH SCHOOL COATED WITH UGLY ORANGES AND UGLY PINKS AND FILLED WITH STuDENTS WHO"VE GONE MAD OVER GRADES AND COMPETITION AND WAR AND GANGSTERDREAMS AND TEACHERS WHO KILL OUR INTELLECTUAL CURIOSITY AND BLAME US FOR WHAT THEY"VE DONE
it's so hard to stay sane.

it's like we're made for a tv movie
and i just blew my line --Ain't That Unusual.

2001-04-29T04:40:00.000-07:00

You only live twice or so it seems,
One life for yourself and one for your dreams.
-coldplay.

2001-04-28T02:46:00.000-07:00

The kid next door i think, is either taking a shower, or he's just really bored.
From my window, I can hear him chanting.
Some kind of fairylandish spell.
dabadabadabadeelehdom.
that's great, kid, great! You've been chanting for ten minutes now!
louder and louder every minute.
You sound like Cinderella's Godmother.

2001-04-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

Friday was wonderful. I was dozing off in every single one of my classes, but still Friday was wonderful. Fightclub, doodling w/ tile, the school play...it really did feel like a Friday.
I checked out the yrbk's senior section today. I read over mine, and realized how these past four months have changed me. It wasn't me at all. It's weird isn't it, it's only been four months and how far have I strayed...my brother warned me about this, he told me not to write anything cuz at the end, it won't really be what you want to say...

A lot of things happened during these four months. colleges, tile, lyd, koge, mule, jaime, iasas, guairen, the chinese class group, mto...

Anyway, I'm hungry. Let's see what's in the frig this time...

2001-04-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

Oh wow It's Friday already.

2001-04-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

And so it's true. It really has happened. I have become everything my parents told me I would become when I grow into a teenager. This feels grossly uncomfortable, I feel so out of control, in fact, I don't feel like an individual anymore. There's like a procedure book, for growing up. Authority says, "at age 17, you become this," and I obey like a blind sheep without even knowing. I always thought miracles could happen and I could break away from the standard steps. But no, I'm part of their stupid system...this stupid stupid system....
If I'm lost, at least let it be me who got myself lost, give me some credit for where I'm situated...
Whatever's above watching over, let me contribute my own verse. Don't do it for me....

Grrr.....I need inspiration.Inspire me and lift me up from these troubled waters that is melting me layer by layer. I mend, you melt, I mend again, and you melt again....[Assure me that the world is good.] Please do tell me where the hell I'm heading, I'm feel like I'm going in circles...Lend me a promising tangent to go off to...
Oh kay, Lydie, Fight Club Friday...:)

But really, while all this turmoil is jumping around like circus monkeys at the back of my head, I'm enjoying life, my last 20 days of my high school career. I'm in a much happier mood. I love my friends:), becuase I know you are true, because I know that with you ppl, I don't need to hide and zi bi more than I already do..."You smile differently," guai ren commented. Perhaps it's because now it really comes from deep inside, instead of just ...inside.

But I want it deeper.
I ask for too much from this world, don't I.
I'm terribly terribly greedy...

My frig is empty. There's never anything to eat in my house. This is pathetic! ....I think this is why I'm never terribly fat. There's never EVER any food at home. I'm dead hungry but oh look what's in the frig. Nothing. Empty space. This must be diet paradise...
Reminds me of those pao miens lu and fish bought for me last year...:)

I know there's truth for you somewhere, If I were wise I'd take you there. But I'm not, at least not yet, so I'll be watching you instead.-kc

Things are flooding within my vision...and yet I don't understand any of it...I feel so vulnerable...

2001-04-25T03:57:00.000-07:00

teach me how to watch this game.
-k's choice..

2001-04-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

a prayer for strength.
That I would be good, even if I did nothing
That I would be good, even if I got the thumbs down
That I would good, if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would great, if I was no longer queen
That I woud be grand, if I was not all knowing
That I would be good, even when I'm overwhelmed
That I would be good, even if I lost sanity
That I would be good, whether with or without you
-Alanis Morissette

I yearn to float, to turn into a vacuum state of peace...to suspend my present my past my future...to throw all burdens offboard in fear that they'll sink me further and reach, some kind of compromise with myself...

and I'll walk out of time, knowing that it is not a part of me.

2001-04-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

"limited eternity."

2001-04-23T07:38:00.000-07:00

The word 'confession,' to me, means needing to be absolved. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm not asking people to understand. I'd like to think that I tell stories and sometimes my life weaves through it.
-Tori Amos

2001-04-23T03:18:00.000-07:00

oh kay. Since I'm going write here a lot more often, here's the guestbook and counter.
I write in hopes that this can clear my mind...and I'm writing in this journal instead of my usual one because I feel a need to connect with the wider world right now...
I don't know why I do..perhaps the frequent thoughts of graduation has a little to do with this...
And if you don't like my thoughts, please leave. They're not for you alone...

2001-04-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

I think I'm definitely a much happier person than I appear as in my entries. So don't worry, for those who care. I'm handling just fine.
I have no idea why I updated so much yesterday. There was just a rush of words I needed to spill, and so I did.

2001-04-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

So it's two in the morning, and I haven't done anything productive in the past 48 hours. forty-eight. "All these hours and minutes I've frittered away(Aimee Mann)." And yet, "if [this time] has been wasted, How come I could feel so free (Belle&Sebastian)." Is idleness really such a crime?
All that doesn't really matter. I've rested enough now to read LITC. read. now.
But I feel like counting sheep, feel like doing something idiotic.

2001-04-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

"You don't seem to listen to what kids of your age listen to," she said, "your music sounds so mature"....I don't know exactly what she meant, but somehow I felt flattered.
What my mom says never means much when you listen to the first time. But I've realized, that if you really dig, you'll find amazing whispers accompanying her often convoluted words.
I realize I've been writing relatively much about my mom lately, and for that I'm glad. Our days don't usually intersect like they have this long weekend. I think I'm going to miss her.
College. What will it be like to start all over again. I'm certainly going to miss every soul that have touched mine. Some of those don't even know that I'll remember them, they don't know how they've touched me. But they have, and thus you'll no doubt see millions of unexpected names in my senior D. Since I figured that alumni won't read it anyway, I didn't include them (some of which are my most important friends...), hence the extra space to include those unexpected names. I hope they'll take my mentioning of their names the right way...all I wanted to do was to let them know that I do remember them and will in the near future, if not five years from now. I hope they take it the right way, cuz it was merely my feeble attempt to bring some genuine smiles in this melancholy and often incredibally superficial school, no matter how ridiculous that may sound.

2001-04-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

I feel extremely ...uneven, waves and waves are panging against my feet, snickering as I stand here defenseless. Where are the waves leading me? Where the hell am I heading...and the ultimate question, "what's the point." I know I should be grateful for all that I have, for all that have been given to me, for all the amazing people I've met. I know how blessed and lucky my life has been, despite this harder road I've taken. True, I walk it alone, but in my empty wanderings, people come and go, leaving me some scraps of bread enough for me to push on, and go further. Thank you, you all know who you are.
I feel so far far away, I see a blurry mass of people, I see them happy, giggling like little school girls as they chat along...I know how lucky I am to be so far away from them, and yet, sometimes I wonder if all these scars are worth it...is this road that is less taken really better than the other? I mean, I feel courageous, I feel like I'll be able to walk it for a while longer, and yet, I still wonder, is it really worth it. All these scars. Cuz ultimately, I just want to be happy. And ignorance can still be bliss. So, really, "what's the point."
What's that in my eyes.
Why is everything blurry so often.

2001-04-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

World,
most of the time i don't really care, but sometimes, just sometimes i wish you could understand.
be nice.

2001-04-21T02:16:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with mom, which as usual, sprang into an argument. She says I talk to her as if I think she's stupid, as if I know more than she does. "a 17 year old knowing more than a 50 year old," she says sarcastically. You tell me things I don't believe in, you tell me "for every effort, there is reward (A Chinese old saying)," but no, I've lived only 17 years and I've learned the opposite...I'd be blind if I still believed in 100% efficiencies. The old saying is a lie, to give people some ego-boosting, so that they'll believe there will be a good end. But sometimes, there isn't even an end at all. Kind intentions from the ancient.
Perhaps, my disillusions are just a phase, that learning runs in circles, that the end is at the beginning, and by the time I become 50, I'll learn again, that every effort is rewarded. You say the only times we don't get rewarded, is when we've went the wrong direction. But sometimes, really, you don't make the decision upon which way to turn, which direction to take. Sometimes you don't have a choice. Does that change after you get out of school, after you become an adult?
Put it this way. Perhaps. For every effort, I don't necessarily get rewarded the way I want to be rewarded. But I do get rewarded, afterall, in what form we cannot predict. It's just like shooting stars. You take your bough and arrow, and aim at that star for which you wish. And yet stars are stationed intimately among the sky side by side, and your arms are untrained...so where you aim, is not necessarily where your arrow ends at. Perhaps you do hit your star, perhaps you hit other stars. And even if you miss all stars, and hit the sky, skies are not bad either, eh?
Perhaps that's not what you meant, mom. But maybe the old saying is more than a lie.

2001-04-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

Growing up is such a pain. You learn to be independent, and on this rugged way you meet loneliness, who teaches you to take care of yourself, to cry alone, to be strong, to be strong, must be strong on your own...maturing is such a bitter sweet nightmare. Sometimes I wish I could just believe in those naive platitudes and childish promises again...then I could see things as they seem, and not look further...to untrain my eyes...and follow the crowd without second thought.
I want to believe again, that things last forever, that pigs fly in the air, that dream is reality, that anything is possible, that I will be super human one day...
I want to believe in God again...I want to believe in him so badly....but I can't believe in him just because it's so cold here and I need something to hold on to...
I'm so so weary of waking up from fairyland. These endless woods are getting too dark for me. I miss Santa Claus, I miss fairy godmothers...
But I've chosen my road, the one less taken. And there's no turning back...not now..not ever.
It's good that this is happening at home.

2001-04-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

Hi...
I think I'm going to stop writing here for awhile...
thanks for those who read...zai jien:)

2001-04-05T05:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I never saw the beauty of Tai Lu Guh, until this third time visiting the exact same places...I guess this time around, I no longer had my broken spectacles to distort my vision, for I've been segregated from nature for too long....

I watched the birds today, stretching out their wings and soaring over streams. It must feel good to fly, eh? Well you could get a sense of it, I guess, if you take a train, stand by the door, stretch your right arm out, and let the air rush through your fingers like silky sand....

while we dream of flying, perhaps birds dream of floating...

2001-04-03T02:25:00.000-07:00

This I should say, is my second online journal. I already have one amidst these millions of pages...but today I've decided to sign up for another one. Partly because it's spring break, hence the time to spare. and partly because I have so much clogging my mind, hence this desperate attempt to unclog it.
The idea of me having an online journal is quite a suprise to myself. I'm not a very public person... some might even say that I am hopelessly introverted. But from time to time, I feel a need to connect, and I am feeling like it right now...
Dreaming is a fascinating phenomenon. I slept in today, and went downstairs to brush my teeth. I picked up my toothbrush and a flash of memory screamed through my eyes. and I remembered. that in yesterday's dream, someone handed me my toothbrush. Dreams in a way, remind me of the smallest details in life. Oftentimes we rush through life, as if there were a finish line where all our dreams will come true. But we're old enough to know, aren't we, that Santa Claus will not be coming to town.